I invented a dance it is called the velociraptor.

2004-10-01 - 11:38 a.m.

Trouble in Paradise/ On the inside looking out

I could use the same old symbolism
to draw attention to the lines
The lines that I have been converging on
One is a mirror
you see what you want to
I project your desire to see this all dissipate
and for you, I lie
so that one of us can sleep at night,
so if I lie am I doing it for you?
The other is glass you see the truth,
and it horrifies you, brutal, painful
Its emotional rape
I said no, I don't want to feel this way
but I do anyway and so I rape myself
of all the greenest grass and laughter
leaving what in the end remains constant
And you know when I look in the mirror
I see nothing, and when I look through the glass I don't see you
I realize the limits of your emotional availability
But I still leave messages
I keep talking after the dial tone
hoping that the operator will be me.
You see I've been unable to get through to me
Trouble on the line
but I don't know what I am dialing
I just keep punching numbers, so many combinations
but all leave a bitter taste in my mouth
like after I disappear into a corn field of neuronal misfirings and shake myself to sleep
a dreamless sleep
I'm comfortable with that
Its more affordable than dreaming
which is just another name to add to the hat
pick one everyday to spite myself and
read what new way I can tax myself,
you know another weight on my back.
I never write as well as when I hate myself
So if I am happy why do I care?
And if I hate myself why do I bother?
Its always cold in here and so small I keep
knocking into walls, I can't remember
where I put myself and if I found me,
where would I put myself down?
I take too many breaks, I lean myself up against another you everyday
and I don't notice when someone drags me away.
See if you get right down to it
I am a stick figure drawing that I made in the 3rd grade
and I can't tell if I am on the outside looking in on a picture of myself in the 3rd grade
or if I am on the inside looking out at a girl who shakes my snow globe,
she looks just like me.
And here I go on auto-pilot again
the captain is incapacitated in the back of the plane
with her head in the toilet flushing it
incessantly hoping she will pull through

STOP

I know that if I keep holding my breath
you will walk away and believe me
but I'm not sure if I like that the lines that have defined me are dotted and starting to fade.
I've put myself through this purge cycle so many times
but the spots just won't come back
and I know that if I hold my breath long enough neither will you
I keep backing myself into these corners
but its dark and I don't know where they are anymore.
When the road turns
I watch the reflectors to see where to go
but when the road is straight
I don't pay attention and when a curve comes I get
lost
and back track along a path
that I have never been down
and it just keeps getting darker and colder
I'm running out of gas
and my parts don't connect any longer
so I can't light myself on fire and go get help.
And I know I've been perverted
by all these clinical opinions with different agendas
you know they are the only thing I can see through
in this darkness that covers me
like a wet layer of plastic on my face
over my mouth
and when I talk I wobble through this
cellophane nightmare
and I look like a marionette on ice
dragging my strings because I have lost the will to act out my life
I lost it in an all or nothing poker game
to every retired dream and hope that I have ever had.

They all hate me in here.

and its so loud
I feel like white noise
the kind that no one can hear over all this deafening brown
and I know that I breath so you can say
AH HA! and find me
but all you've really discovered is the faded path
that I should have walked to get to that convergence
which existed for one brief moment
in theory.
But if I fall in on myself and no one sees it but me
do I really fall in?
Is it all just popular opinion?
If I keep telling myself that I don't care
will I be prepared when I do?
I can never inflict myself with anything in small doses
I'm just too distracted
but when it is due and I have to connect the dots
I can never get through
Its this tangled mess of details that keeps me walking in circles
on this frozen stage
And if I freeze the audience
they all stay still long enough for me to demonstrate
that I can act, and well
I practice everyday, all day.
But while they are frozen they can't hear
the inside looking out

Its the plastic isn't it?

But I know really its just hard to see
through this window pane
with all the fog I create from huffing and puffing so

But no one can ever really understand anyone else
there is always the skew of how things are
for "me" in respect to you
so I guess it is true that we can never be
pure like clean wet glass
as we were born
we cloud in the sun
crack in the change
and warp in the dry conversations that we have with our emotionally unavailable friends.
This view is out of context, finger smudges on the lens
as we shudder we are always out of focus
those moments when we were touched
are the images we replay to ourselves
while running around
empty dislodged and blind in the darkness
that is every mind.

And determination courage and hard work are the reasons we all fail
because while we are listening to someone going through the motions
we worry if we are determined courageous and hard working
and we lose the plot
miss our ques
and in an instant all that we had been
building towards
fighting against
piecing together
and separating
fades out and I am left wondering

what was I just doing?

and the line disappears,
fizzles out like a fuse connected to a block of ice,
it doesn't melt, it doesn't change
and we look at it so closely
yet can't notice a thing
from where we are
deep beneath the air pockets that ripple along trying to break through
their crystallized tomb.
Only on the surface
is the faintest white noise that says
Kaboom.
And the dirt is flying everywhere
it rips holes in the story and erases at will
the only escape is incomplete,
some other action that someone else failed to finish

You see how when I hold back it just comes out stronger?

And does it mean a thing that we would rather look forward
than turn around and see our mistakes?
We throw up every reason not to
negate them all and fall asleep
nudging the auto-pilot off
and run off course and here we are again
lost and every inch of you whispers
trouble in paradise
and you still can't see that the trouble is you.

I appreciate your comments

.trip. - .fall. - .bounce. - .ashes ashes . - .we all. - .fall down.

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............................................................................................I trail off in one sentence out of five

..........................................................................and the rest of the time I just.....

.......................................................................................................................mumble...............................................

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moon phases

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